I met my first husband when we were both 16 years old. My self-esteem was very low, I was very insecure and I did not believe that men were attracted to me.

I wanted someone to choose me, someone to complete me, someone to make me happy. In other words, I was a taker. And I had no idea what marriage actually meant. I was waiting for my husband to make my life perfect and to make me happy. I was waiting for him to say the right words, to give me the right gifts without me giving anything in return.

When I was 9 months pregnant with my first child, I walked in on my husband having sex with another woman. At that moment, I thought my life was over. A few months later I found myself divorced with a brand-new baby on my hands.

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A few years later, when I met my second husband, while I thought it would be different, I had not changed a bit. I was still the old me. I was insecure. And now, as you can well imagine, I was even more suspicious. I blamed my second husband for a lot of things.

And for 15 years it continued like that. For 15 years it continued with me being insecure, with me being suspicious, with me blaming him. I was putting myself in a trap by making my happiness dependent on my husband and trying to change him.

I had completely lost the battle to make my husband listen and save our marriage. I felt helpless, exhausted, and silently depressed. It is no wonder that these 15 years were pretty miserable and unhappy for both of us.

It was getting worse and worse. And one night, we got physically violent, and the police were called. I was terrified for myself and my kids.

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That was my rock bottom. Something in me clicked and I realized that everything that was happening in our relationship was not his problem. I needed to look at my own life and how I was being. What could I do in order to become a better person? As the great Rumi said: “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

When I started working on myself and being the best version of me, and not focusing on him, and not making him the problem, our marriage got better, our relationship got better. It changed everything in my life.

I transformed my marriage and my life in ways I never dreamed possible. I was no longer suffering, screaming like a crazy person to be heard, not knowing how to communicate, and the constant terrible fighting also ended completely.